Let me let you in on a secret, corporate slave: Your cubicle is just a nicer lab.

Boss says “think outside the box”? He means “think inside the box I built for you.”

Team lunch? A cage with salad. That “work-life balance” seminar?

A lobotomy with PowerPoint.

I’ve got a client—let’s call her Stacy. Works in HR. The “nice” one.

Smiles when Dave from sales makes that “joke” about her skirt.

Nods when the CEO says “we’re family.” But every morning,

she slips my smallest vibrator into her blazer pocket.

“Lowest setting,” she told me. “Buzzes when I need to remember I’m not a robot.”

9 a.m. staff meeting? Dave starts his “joke”? Buzz. CEO drones about “synergy”? Buzz.

By 5 p.m., that little hum’s kept her from stabbing someone with a stapler.

My tips for surviving the cube farm:

• The Conference Call Trick:

Mute yourself. Hit the vibrator. Let the buzz rattle your desk.

Count how many lies the boss tells before it stops. (Pro tip: It won’t stop.)

• The Bathroom Rebellion:

Lock the stall. Turn it up. Stare in the mirror.

Say out loud: “I am not my email inbox.” Repeat until your hands stop shaking.

• The Exit Strategy:

Save every “buzz session” as a reminder. You’re not here to “climb the ladder.”

You’re here to steal the ladder, set it on fire, and dance in the ashes.

Stacy quit last month. Now she sells tie-dye at Coachella.

Sends me pics. Says the vibrator’s now a “festival accessory.”

（Grins, neon eyes glinting.）

Quit waiting for permission to burn your suit, baby. The buzz is your match.